Withdrawal and guilt

Hi everyone! My husband is an ex member of the branch in Melbourne.

It was a very difficult journey for him to leave the cult, as he saw some members as his closest friends. His healing journey has been a struggle. It is great some days, but other days he is quite down. Feels as if he was broken from the cult...

He has talked to me about finding closure with some of his ex friends, but is unsure if they are still involved or not. He isn't the type to reach out, but we do think it will help with his healing.

He has expressed a lot of guilt for 'leaving them in the cult' while he left. Is anyone here an ex member from the recent years? Would love to chat.

# https://whatsyourgrief.com/understanding-survivor-guilt/  It’s that survivor guilt.. is really hard to get past. On that website it talks about physical death. I guess for us that’s the spiritual death that we are dealing with, or seeing people living under a fabricated reality and not being able to live life to its fullest. It’s worst if he brought people in. For me, it’s unresolved so can’t give you too much advice 🙈

Would love to hear more about your experience on the other side of being a wife and family member. Most of the time I don’t share because I have no idea what the other person would think. I know they will not fully understand and I don’t expect them to. Will they think I’m crazy, demon possessed, vulnerable to these things again etc. It also makes me think, when am I going to tell my girl friend, boy friend or partner I was part of a highly controlled group. When I first meet them, when the relationship is stable, when we get engaged, will it be a deal breaker or never tell them.

> Very difficult! He is feeling a lot better reading everyone's comments though. Thank you guys.

As for my perspective, he moved to Melbourne in 2016 and we were friends until the very end of 2017. We didn't talk much during that period, but attended the same local church community. He essentially went through scj by himself as his family is interstate, and that had a really big effect on his health (mentally and physically).

At first the local church was very hesitant in contacting him, as scj was getting noticed by the community Church. They are known to fake members leaving/on the fence to invite others to join. However, my (not then) husband really did leave and had a very difficult time. I do remember distinctively wanting to reach out as he just seemed so down and sad.

He told me pretty much immediately what he went when we started dating and what he was involved in. I think for myself it was very difficult as I am naturally a sceptical person and he is the opposite - very loving, caring and trusting of others. For me it was and still is very hard to understand the nature of scj, and how members stay in the cult. However with time it has gotten a lot better, and I do think I understand quite a bit more about why he stayed and why he did at one point believe the teachings. It has been a journey of undoing what has been done, but we are getting there.

I never thought my husband was anything you mentioned above that you are afraid about. I was more upset with the scj members themselves, as I saw it as taking advantage of vulnerable people who have no one around them and placing things like 'how can you be a Christian if x' on him. That has directly affected my husband in a lot of ways, and we are still rebuilding faith and relationships.

However my husband also keeps me in check and I now have a much more loving approach to current members and understand they are most likely in denial and a lot of pain themselves. I hope this helps. Happy to answer anything else you're concerned about, but not too sure how much help I will be!

#I can relate I left not very long ago after almost 4 yr including center. I felt very guilty too. I have friend I introduced to the cult who is currently studying and I just try my best to be honest with her about what the cult is all about. I pray everyday for her and all the people I feel responsible for. He can try to reach out but he has to be aware that they might try to convince him to come back or see him very negatively. That is why I had to cut communication completely with some of the people I grew to love. What has helped me is repenting and realize that God forgives. I did what I felt lead to do by contacting some but ultimately I cannot choose for them. I still have guilt sometimes but also feel grateful I am no longer living that nightmare. Also, building my relationship with Christ is helping me a lot. What he can do now is bring awareness by sharing what he experienced and hopefully more people can come out. That is what I have been trying to do. This website and videos have helped me a lot. https://www.shincheonjiaware.com/our-stories/recovery

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFNTPcp2PXKXdEBICoyfFLg

https://www.youtube.com/c/RachelBernstein

#Thank you for the love and support! We kindly appreciate it.

Yeah, I totally get the mixed responses. He hasn't had a great time leaving :(. A lot of popping up at his work, constant (almost) stalking, consistent messaging on all platforms etc. It has died down recently but he pretty much lives on edge with this stuff. Before covid19, he wouldn't want to walk around Melbourne CBD in fear of running into them. It is a lot better nowadays (we are also in lockdown haha) and he's fine if I'm with him, but has a lot of anxiety by himself.

His guilt is with the friends from our church community (before he was involved with the cult) that we believe are still actively involved in the cult. It's been so hard to try to overcome this, and he still feels directly responsible for (in his words) 'leading them away from God'. We just don't know what the best way to approach the situation is, as they mostly deflect questions etc etc. We are unsure how active they are now since Melbourne is still in stage 4 restrictions as well...

Personally I've never been involved or attended a class, so I feel like I sometimes can't relate or understand what he goes through. It's so lovely to see there are so many of you guys here as support. My husband isn't the type to reach out to others, so I hope this Reddit thread will help him!

See all the comments: https://www.reddit.com/r/Shincheonji/comments/ii9knd/melbourne_region_exmembers/